Spiritual Bullies

Well, I have come to experience more and more in life these people I will call "Spiritual Bullies." These are essentially people who use their authority as spiritual leaders to abuse others. Sometimes for their own pride, but mostly for their own benefit. It really astonishes me to see the level of self-deceit that takes place and what is most fascinating to me is how did they get to the point that they could convince themselves that what they are doing is right? I mean if you are to be God's representative shouldn't you be holding yourself to a higher standard? Regardless of what the Bible says, which does say you should be held to a higher standard as a leader. It also says you should be fearful of how you treat your sheep because you will be judged at a greater level as a leader. Yet, time and time again I keep seeing these people who are in the highest level of leadership hold no regard for the people they are called to be unified with and love. I am dumbfounded at how they can not have an issue with themselves much less the people who are to hold them accountable looking a blind eye to it all? I think it is really twisted at best, you get into ministry to love others as God has loved you. You think you are different or special or know more because of your position? That is exactly what the Pharisees did!

Too often people who rise to the head position, no matter what the size of the organization, will take their authority and abuse it. I experienced it first hand and expected the leadership around this to stand up to it and still it has been three years and eight staff and several elders have left with no-one questioning why this is happening? Seriously?  I think the key reason why this happens and continues to exist is the lack of accountability. More frequently than not leadership assumes the best all the while the worst is happening right under their nose. The reason why there is so much moral failure is not because of weak people as much as weak accountability. They keep pushing the limits till it catches up with them, absolute power corrupts absolutely! The leader who has strong accountability around him sets himself up for more than success. He sets himself up for true Biblical stewardship of what God has set before him. I think the thing I hate the most about it is the division it causes in the body of Christ. We are supposed to be united against an enemy and while as it is said in Philippians 1:15 I celebrate others success in leading people to a relationship with God, it does not mean I agree and stand in solidarity with what I know is wrong.  It is a real shame cause through the years it has cost me some dear relationships I miss incredibly.

I know that I am not always right and if this has taught me one thing, it is never hesitating to apologize and forgive. I too have made this mistake and deceived myself in believing I was on top so, therefore, I was right. Fortunately, God removed the scales from my eyes and showed me that being right has a place and sometimes that is not at the expense of our soul. When it came time for me to mend my bridges I would have thought it hard for me to swallow the pride I have been choking on for so long. Suffice it to say it was not hard it actually came very easy and was like a huge burden had been lifted off my back. In all honesty, I know being a leader is not easy and the respect I have for fellow leaders is massive. I also know that making the right choices is not that hard, living with a life of regret is!

A Friend Indeed

Often you can count on certain things in life and for guys I know it is different than girls. That said I always thought I would have certain friendships in my life. You know those certain people you always see playing a role in your life, well into old age. The fact is I always tried to pride myself in being a great friend. Anytime, anyplace and anything needed I wanted to be there and be a real stand up guy. I honestly wanted to be a friend I would want. Specifically being this way to someone I considered a best friend. You know the one or two people in your life that you could always count on no matter what. Day in and day out life would happen, yet these people could always be counted on no matter what. Well, I am not sure exactly what happened though I know some of what happened and I would love to say I did something really bad or drastic. In all honesty, it did not go down that way. Which may have made it worse. I would have liked that to be the case as it makes it more acceptable. No, one day it was like your talking and realize hey wait nobody is listening? What the what? Now I would be remiss if there was not an admission of guilt on their part because there was and sort of an apology though it did not bear any real weight as no real action followed. Even writing this I feel like a weakling like guys don't admit to being hurt by other guys. Though that is exactly what happened and what makes it all the worse is I don't think the BFF really sees or even thinks about the gravity of the abandonment and despair they caused. Truth be told the BFF was going through a major issue himself and I did not want to add any additional weight to the already heavy situation. That was then and this is now, almost two years later and while I was feeling a bit of release it seems like this cycle of pain that comes as the result of a trigger continues. Sometimes it is a photo or memory that pops up, more often though it is someone texting or sharing something that puts the pain right at ground zero. Now the struggle is not in making friends as that is something I don't really have a hard time with. I think the real struggle is intimacy, trust, and transparency. For men getting to a point where you can be completely transparent is tough and takes a long time. Starting over is dreadful and not something that can happen in a short time span. This, in turn, causes a feeling of being stuck on an island oasis with no hope of rescue. You don't want to think about being open to the same degree with anyone else again for fear of it happening again as well as the possibility of rejection or ridicule. Reality is you don't know how someone else will react if they know your story. Therein lies the struggle, do you keep a wall up the rest of your life and die with no other real close relationships outside your spouse? Of course not, but is sucks starting over and I know the reality is there is hope in my Lord and Savior who vindicates and is the one true friend who knows the real me warts and all!

Fallen Leaders Fallen Faith

The more you look and the longer you are alive the more you see the truth of the saying, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men...," by John Dalberg-Acton. I think it is no coincidence he is speaking about the Church when he says this. I was saddened today when I discovered another Pastor I was fond of and followed fell to corruption. While disappointing it was not surprising as his rise to religious stardom was rather quick and he started to associate with groups that support independence over accountability. This theme is one that continues to plague the church today and while it would be easy to blame the individual, I don't. I know what you're thinking why wouldn't you blame the person, the adult, the leader, the one responsible. The key term there is responsible. One of the things I learned early on in leadership is that everyone wants rights, but rarely does anyone want the responsibility that comes with "said" right. It is a human paradox, to say the least, starting at childhood we want the right to do what we want, rarely are we taught that with each right comes a responsibility. Amazingly, I would assume with age would come this realization naturally. This too has proven not to be the case. You see there is another saying "that ignorance is bliss." For many this is the choice they make, day in and day out. 

I know this is kind of a contradiction to the whole theory of faith, to begin with. You see it is easy to make justifications for one's well being in lieu of standing up for what is true and right. When the stakes are in front of us and they are defined by standing up to a leader or "the leader" many times individuals hide behind things prevalent to church life. First, is the most prevalent and that is "respect" as in they are a "respected" leader I can't oppose them. They helped me get my start in ministry how can I oppose them, that would be a betrayal like Judas! I have known them my whole life, they would never do that. I trust them like my own family, how could they ever betray that trust. Second, very common to the church is the improper usage of Bible text to excuse, look past, minimize or allow for something to happen. One of the most common of these is "Who can lay a hand on the Lord's anointed and be guiltless?" (1 Samuel 26:9, NIV). Of course, this does not take into account all the scripture relating to the "responsibility" of the leaders to care for and serve others and not themselves. This is why I never allow for a single scripture to be presented as evidence. You wouldn't see a court of Law say, "Hitler was a good man he said, "The state must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the people." Of course, this was followed by why the protection of children can be used to deceive Jewish parents, but that one sentence alone is of good sentiment. Finally, the leaders themselves are just cowards, afraid of the ramifications of standing up to anyone. This is a real fear and can have real consequences that may not end favorably. The Bible too speaks to this and shows often times that the justice of God may not be realized. There are many Biblical stories that do not end with, "they all lived happily ever after," like a Disney movie. Being a leader is a position of power and control, giving that control to God is hard for anyone this includes leaders as well. They feel the pressure of a family, the community and friends to look a blind eye or make justification and move on. Hoping things will work themselves out! Again the scripture says in Luke 8:16-18 NIV, "¹⁶ “No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.¹⁷ For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.¹⁸ Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.”"  

Going back to my original statement about not blaming the leader in this case. I think it is true they are at fault no doubt. The blame for it happening falls on leadership in this case and all cases. I see it time and time again. Leaders are not leaders if they are not willing to lead and lead effectively. Being a leader puts you in a place with many rights and all those rights come with great responsibility. This responsibility is to protect the leader and the followers. While the leader gets hurt in every instance, so do the followers. The truth is almost all of the situations could have been prevented had leadership done their job on the front side. One of the key areas I see leadership fail is structure. They don't look at the structure to ensure there are accountability and transparency being practiced regularly. Leaders just assume because there are By-Laws they must be right. Because there are policies in place they must be correct. This is where failure meets leadership in every instance. The leadership has to recognize some key things if they are going to stop history from repeating itself. First, don't allow the leader to be supreme, they have to answer to someone and on a regular basis not just in writing. They must have the ability to be fired, no matter how much blood sweat and tears they have put into the organization. In our society today we see all these corrupt people using their power to manipulate the system. They are doing so because the world's system is flawed. Stop looking to man and start looking to God. The scripture is very clear that leaders must make it hard for His anointed to stumble. So many times I read these stories and see these failings and think, what leadership allowed the Pastor to meet alone with women behind closed doors? How naive can leadership be? Obviously, very! Regardless, at the end of the day, there is nothing 100% and I get that. Though it can be close. Taking every precaution to prevent it on the front side is far better than having to deal with the ramifications on the backside. This is something I get to deal with far too often being in the midst of large scale ministry. Coming from the bowels of leadership dysfunction, I operated in a very unhealthy hope deferred environment for far too long. Seeing healthy functioning ministry is a breath of fresh air and an opportunity to help others learn from past mistakes. I hope you take the time to look at what your part of and have the strength to stand up to the Devil's opportunities at destroying it! 

Blessings! 

B

It is all a big lie!

Ever have someone tell you something that seems totally legit, and you believe it wholeheartedly. I mean not just like in the sense where there is a bit of skepticism, but you are like YES! That totally makes sense and sounds right! Then your whole life changes as a result and you're are making decisions based on this "new reality," and you go headlong after that reality. That is the way I feel about the church today. You see I was living my life for many years without a relationship with God, I was not an atheist, but more of an agnostic. I believed there was a God, I was just not sure of who He was, and quite honestly I felt I was better being Him. The thought that a relationship could be had was far from me, and as this became a reality in my life changed everything. One of the main things that changed was my vocational path. I started to have a passion for ministry and more importantly, for a career in ministry. Not really sure where it came from, but to be honest, my intentions were not admirable. The intentions were self-serving, I had this vision for what works in ministry would be like and as I have often told people who aspire for certain things, "be careful what you wish for" and there has never been a more accurate statement than that of working in ministry full-time.

As I continued to work in a secular environment and faithfully serve in any and every position in the church, I looked to a position in full-time ministry as a dream come true. I mean get paid to do what I was volunteering to do? Who wouldn't want this to be the case? Now I did not say you get paid well as that is typically not the case except for the top dogs. Well the call finally came and to be honest I wanted to answer on the spot, I mean come on get paid to do ministry! How appealing it was, and while I did not start in a position as a minister, it was not long that I became a minister and worked faithfully at the vocation to become a pastor. The first couple of years, I was blinded by my ambition to see the realities around me and had I not be blind. I probably would have recognized the realities early on. As time went on, I started to see the ugly realities of the people I esteemed to become. This conflict was like a sickness in me. I felt the shame of the behavior of others and took it as my own. The things I saw and took part in were beyond shameful. This was not what I expected at all, and the struggles I dealt with were not the ones I imagined. I thought I would be helping people grow in their own faith, not dimming mine? Instead, it continued to decrease my own faith to the point I started to turn from God and His word. I moved to sin as a means of numbing my reality. The truth is it was completely embraced by most of the staff and especially senior leadership, so it became quite easy as a result. The things I kept experiencing grew more significant and more prevalent over time. In the beginning, was included in the small things, and because of my immaturity and trust, I did not speak up as I should have. I was working for Eve, and I was Adam, I felt like I was justified because you know "they made me do it!" Ugh, I am embarrassed even to admit it, but the truth is what I thought "church" was going to be and what it is are no longer the same thing. Don't get me wrong the lie is not the "church" as I know there are churches out there that are making a significant impact for the kingdom of God. The lie that I believed was that inside a body of believers, the truth would cause the leaders to rise, jeopardizing their positions, and stand up to it. The truth is, we as people want to be like the racehorse in life, we want to exist with blinders on. This is not about pointing fingers because I am TOTALLY guilty of this. I did it for years and realize it is a natural tendency.

Having gone to Auschwitz and Birkenau twice, I have seen the atrocities we are capable of, and it is sobering, to say the least. That being said, many look at it and say I have no idea how a people group could allow this to happen. I too use to say that, but it was the church that taught me to see that the realization of turning a blind eye to benefit our selves is human nature. The big lie is that people who are leaders will keep the truth and be honorable at all costs. The reality is the "cost" is the key! You see, I am not saying all this to say I am not supporting the church. Quite the contrary in my current role, all I do is support the church (like 120 of them). No, what I am saying is the cost of being a person of truth must be one we all discover for ourselves. This may be through trials, regrets, or self-awareness.
Finally, I don't want to be put in this position again. Therefore, one of the ways to ensure this isn't the case is to make sure a clear line of accountability exists. This accountability must start at the top and permeates the entire organization. That accountability is not only practiced but spelled out in the By-Laws. Yes, that is right I said By-Laws if you are considering joining a church one of the things I implore you to do is ask to read their By-Laws. If you are already part of a church and curious you can ask too. If they have nothing to hide, it should not be an issue. But beware, this is usually a massive tell as to where the leadership is regarding holding its leaders accountable. Holding the leaders accountable should be very clearly spelled out in their By-Laws.

I would love to end this post with a redemptive story. How this is all rectified, that truth has come to the forefront along with accountability. Sometimes we have to face the fact that we live in a fallen world, and yes, this includes the church. You see, like I said before the "big lie" is what we allow ourselves to believe and accept. Our failure to take a stand for truth and what we know is right is something that invariably hurts others more than ourselves, which is why it is easy to keep on keeping on. I want to leave you with this quote from Abraham Lincoln that sums it up best,

 "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
― Abraham Lincoln

Rewind

I heard it said once "that if I could rewind and take back the time" the question is would that really make the difference or impact you would want. I mean yes the old adage of if I knew then what I know now is poignant. The truth is I know as I am at the fifty-year mark of my life I see so many things I would have done differently, but if that would have any impact on where I would be today I would not have wanted to know it! 

The world we live in today has turmoil, and while there is a lot of degradation, there is also a lot more good today. I am sure you have experienced people who say they are afraid for their children and grandchildren's future. I am, not at all for two reasons. The first is I trust God with their future no matter! The second is that the future looks fantastic from my perspective.  I sit here in Silicon Valley and see so many working so hard to advance things and make them better. While I am not a tree hugger, I do accept we must take responsibility for our mark on this world and seeing people live with no carbon footprint is exciting to me! Honestly, if it makes the world a better place, isn't that Biblical any way? We are stewards of this world, so to deny that we have a responsibility to care for it is ignorant. 

Looking back, there are many things in my life I miss, and honestly, they are almost exclusively relationships. Years ago, I would have had a lot more items and places in that list, but age changes your perspective as it should. If it hasn't, then you need to ask yourself why? The truth is there are unfortunately no guarantees in our lives that we will be able to maintain any relationships till death except marriage and even that is not 100%, though I believe it is! Keeping hold of individual relationships is not always healthy. Though comfortable, familiar, and self-affirming, we have to be sure to recognize that being dysfunctional in these relationships does more harm than the good long term. 

I see a significant number of people who engage in long term relationships that continue to destroy their ability to achieve some great things in life. I also have known some people who were able to see their demise well ahead of the train wreck and get off the train. Not maliciously but in a way that honored everyone. Did some people get their feelings hurt, of course, but that is unavoidable at times. I was told once that if you're going to leave, leave well. I agree with that advice, though I don't think it is always possible to do so as I have experienced the hurts and pain that come with broken relationships. It is hard not to want to exact revenge on those that cause us pain. It is human nature to do so. That is not the answer and I don't agree with that as I see it from a Biblical perspective of God seeks to avenge not myself or any of the Marvel Characters. 

Now looking back on fifty years I have to say I have some people who I am connected with that are amazing, and I look to be connected to them for the next fifty! They are men and women who I see will stand for the right things and bring me to accountability when I am not honorable. They are people who will bring me forward, not back, and help me to keep my pride and ego in check. As I see it, Jesus called us to humility and being humble in this life continually growing in a lessor direction not greater. While counterintuitive to the world and the church today, it is His words, not mine, I am not responsible for answering for His words. I am responsible for my actions and as such if I go quietly in the night and the world does not know it I am okay with that as long I know that He will say, "well done my good and faithful servant." 

May you experience the blessings of great relationships in life as I believe they are what is truly important in both the here and the here after! 

The Benefit of the Doubt

Human nature is funny, I think we all for the most part want to give people the benefit of the doubt. The problem is if that is our natural bent then we can do that and not even realize it. I was talking with a friend I use to work with and he was sharing his feelings about something and it was kinda of like that slap in the face that wakes you from a nap. It kinda shocks your system back into a state of being awake again and all of a sudden you are aware of your surroundings again. In the same way it is funny how as time goes by and you are not in a constant state of dysfunction and denial you start to give people this benefit again, even ones you know don't deserve it! As James 1:6 says, 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind, I don't want to be like a wave tossed by the wind! As the saying states it is giving a benefit of the doubt, which we must understand who we give this benefit to and why! It is not something we should do lightly. Now I am not saying you should be cynical all the time, but I am saying there is truth in the saying about fool me once, fool me twice. Sometimes people have a vision for a future that is not healthy and they will do anything to take everyone along for the ride and like anything in life the ones being taken along for the ride see only how it fulfills the vision they have for their own life. They then go right along with it no matter how wrong it is and make justifications for it. It reminds me of nepotism, there is a reason why large successful companies have policies forbidding it. Yet we see it all the time and sometimes it is not even family, but friends. The problem is when the question has to be answered, the organization or family/friendship? On either side the answer is rarely family/friendship it is invariably the organization that suffers as a result. I know I am far from perfect and have a great deal to still learn, but the truth is if you are going to give the benefit of the doubt, make sure you realize what that benefit entails because it could cost the individual you are benefiting far greater than yourself. Remember to stand up for what is right no matter the cost and God will always honor it!

Starting over

There comes a time in most peoples lives when they have to start over for whatever reason. Whether it be a new career, family or being obedient to a call on your life to serve like in the peace core. For most people it seems like that is a once or maybe twice in a life time experience. For me it feels like a routine. I have to ask my self why this is? Is it me, am I a gypsy? What is it that makes me want to go through all this, not to mention drag others with me! The truth is different each time, I have run from things and I have chased after things. This latest move was different though, it was more of an act of obedience or a submission to accept what I knew I could not change and move out of dysfunction. Don't get me wrong we all have a level of dysfunction in our lives, it is seeing it and changing it that was the difference here. The fact is that what I thought I was going to do by getting into ministry and what I actually ended up doing were definitely two different things. You see most people have this image of being compassionate and caring for people in need, giving counsel and helping the community. You know the whole Love God and your neighbor like yourself thing? Well, yeah turns out that couldn't have bern further from the reality I experienced. As sad as it is to say the environment I went into was one of complete dysfunction. I am going to leave it at that though cause it does not good to point fingers unless you are pointing them at yourself. Which I am, you see I can be loyal to a fault and I work to please, my loyalty should be focused on God first and foremost. Then my wife and family second and then my employer. Well this is where I got messed up and moved the order of that, because well the ministry. You know the job working for God, so I figured I was being loyal to Him by serving the ministry over my family, my wife and even my self. Truth is that I was wrong and so was my employer, yes the Church! They were wrong for sustaining an environment with known dysfunction. The old look the other way at what doesn't effect me because it is in my best interest environment. No matter how bad it is, just look the other way and it will go away? Well, even after a change of guard I thought I would see something change for the better. Remember when you said you'd never be like your parent and then you catch yourself saying something they did? Yeah, they old guard has a way of showing its ugly self in the new guard. I wish I knew why that was but alas. That leads me to the end. I had a choice to go out in flames or die off gracefully as best I could. Well I would love to have said I burned it all down, but it is not mine to burn down it is His. So, I did the best I could to navigate a difficult situation with people I truly believed were like family. Well that is where the old look the other way environment came to show me that you really only have one true family. Now I am not jaded, I am hurt yes and I will heal over time. I have apologized and asked for forgiveness and worked to move on. The funny thing is you can forget for a while, but some how the memories come full circle. Well the good news is time does wonders and while things have yet to change there, they have changed here for the better. Operating in a state of health and function is amazing, the backbiting and dissent is gone! The insecurity and puffery is not even hinted too here and I have to say it is incredible to work in a ministry environment that is not transparent but actually authentic. People mean what they say and actually act on it, not just saying it. So, while I hate starting over, I have to say it has grown me to levels I never thought I would be capable of and I am thankful for the pain. Do I wish there could be resolve and reconciliation? You bet! Do I think that will ever happen, probably not! In the mean time I will continue to work hard and trust Him with my life being careful not to repeat the same costly mistakes of my past, yet still loving others without expecting anything in return!

Hurt People, Hurt People

I have heard it said that hurt people, hurt people. While I am not going to argue the validity of that statement, I will say that I have been hurt by more prideful people then hurt people. Especially in the past year or so. You see I have come to realize that people who are prideful choose pride over character every time. Having held certain men in high regard and esteem that were supposedly wise and honorable men, I put a great deal of trust in their wisdom and friendship. Truth be told I thought of them as my family! Now on the other side, I see how I was wrong. No, this is not one of those hindsight being 20/20 things. More a realization that truly honorable men admit when they are wrong or make a mistake and most importantly APOLOGIZE! I can't tell you how important it is to own your mistakes, it is! But, that pales in comparison to seeking forgiveness. People will hurt you and you will hurt people, yes you will hurt people. When you do, don't look to defend yourself, whether you were right or wrong is not relevant. What is relevant is the feelings of the hurt person. Want to be a selfless person in life and do the right thing? BE QUICK TO SAY "I AM SORRY". Deep down none of us want to hurt others, so why are we so quick to jump to our own defense? PRIDE, yes that ugly little demon of PRIDE. Proverbs 11:2 says, 2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. In all honesty, it is easy to admit messing up, true humility comes in the wisdom of seeking forgiveness. Recently, I was asked how someone could reconcile with this verse in Mathew 15, 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. This was quite ironic because this person was supposed to be responsible for holding the individual who hurt me accountable. Now as the result of my looking for closure and healing without the reconciliation I so desired, I was being asked the one question I could not answer myself on behalf of an individual who played a role in my own hurt. I would like to say I had a clear cut definitive answer but the truth is, I do not. The struggle is real and has caused a great deal of despair and sadness at times. It has improved for the most part, but only when my thoughts are not reflecting on this. The crazy thing is I know that on their end this there is probably given little to no thought. What have I learned from all this? Be humble and apologize often and quickly. The longer you hold onto to your apology the worse it gets. Don't trust anyone, OK, I am joking, a little, though I would say that hearing someone's heart and knowing their character is important in order to trust someone. I know this too will pass and overtime healing comes, though I will always remain sad at that thought of this all. The truth is, as crazy as it may sound, I am thankful for this pain. Because it has removed the scales of ignorance from my own eyes and allowed me to be much more sensitive and aware, seeing people as worth more than my own PRIDE!