A Friend Indeed

Often you can count on certain things in life and for guys I know it is different than girls. That said I always thought I would have certain friendships in my life. You know those certain people you always see playing a role in your life, well into old age. The fact is I always tried to pride myself in being a great friend. Anytime, anyplace and anything needed I wanted to be there and be a real stand up guy. I honestly wanted to be a friend I would want. Specifically being this way to someone I considered a best friend. You know the one or two people in your life that you could always count on no matter what. Day in and day out life would happen, yet these people could always be counted on no matter what. Well, I am not sure exactly what happened though I know some of what happened and I would love to say I did something really bad or drastic. In all honesty, it did not go down that way. Which may have made it worse. I would have liked that to be the case as it makes it more acceptable. No, one day it was like your talking and realize hey wait nobody is listening? What the what? Now I would be remiss if there was not an admission of guilt on their part because there was and sort of an apology though it did not bear any real weight as no real action followed. Even writing this I feel like a weakling like guys don't admit to being hurt by other guys. Though that is exactly what happened and what makes it all the worse is I don't think the BFF really sees or even thinks about the gravity of the abandonment and despair they caused. Truth be told the BFF was going through a major issue himself and I did not want to add any additional weight to the already heavy situation. That was then and this is now, almost two years later and while I was feeling a bit of release it seems like this cycle of pain that comes as the result of a trigger continues. Sometimes it is a photo or memory that pops up, more often though it is someone texting or sharing something that puts the pain right at ground zero. Now the struggle is not in making friends as that is something I don't really have a hard time with. I think the real struggle is intimacy, trust, and transparency. For men getting to a point where you can be completely transparent is tough and takes a long time. Starting over is dreadful and not something that can happen in a short time span. This, in turn, causes a feeling of being stuck on an island oasis with no hope of rescue. You don't want to think about being open to the same degree with anyone else again for fear of it happening again as well as the possibility of rejection or ridicule. Reality is you don't know how someone else will react if they know your story. Therein lies the struggle, do you keep a wall up the rest of your life and die with no other real close relationships outside your spouse? Of course not, but is sucks starting over and I know the reality is there is hope in my Lord and Savior who vindicates and is the one true friend who knows the real me warts and all!