Starting over

There comes a time in most peoples lives when they have to start over for whatever reason. Whether it be a new career, family or being obedient to a call on your life to serve like in the peace core. For most people it seems like that is a once or maybe twice in a life time experience. For me it feels like a routine. I have to ask my self why this is? Is it me, am I a gypsy? What is it that makes me want to go through all this, not to mention drag others with me! The truth is different each time, I have run from things and I have chased after things. This latest move was different though, it was more of an act of obedience or a submission to accept what I knew I could not change and move out of dysfunction. Don't get me wrong we all have a level of dysfunction in our lives, it is seeing it and changing it that was the difference here. The fact is that what I thought I was going to do by getting into ministry and what I actually ended up doing were definitely two different things. You see most people have this image of being compassionate and caring for people in need, giving counsel and helping the community. You know the whole Love God and your neighbor like yourself thing? Well, yeah turns out that couldn't have bern further from the reality I experienced. As sad as it is to say the environment I went into was one of complete dysfunction. I am going to leave it at that though cause it does not good to point fingers unless you are pointing them at yourself. Which I am, you see I can be loyal to a fault and I work to please, my loyalty should be focused on God first and foremost. Then my wife and family second and then my employer. Well this is where I got messed up and moved the order of that, because well the ministry. You know the job working for God, so I figured I was being loyal to Him by serving the ministry over my family, my wife and even my self. Truth is that I was wrong and so was my employer, yes the Church! They were wrong for sustaining an environment with known dysfunction. The old look the other way at what doesn't effect me because it is in my best interest environment. No matter how bad it is, just look the other way and it will go away? Well, even after a change of guard I thought I would see something change for the better. Remember when you said you'd never be like your parent and then you catch yourself saying something they did? Yeah, they old guard has a way of showing its ugly self in the new guard. I wish I knew why that was but alas. That leads me to the end. I had a choice to go out in flames or die off gracefully as best I could. Well I would love to have said I burned it all down, but it is not mine to burn down it is His. So, I did the best I could to navigate a difficult situation with people I truly believed were like family. Well that is where the old look the other way environment came to show me that you really only have one true family. Now I am not jaded, I am hurt yes and I will heal over time. I have apologized and asked for forgiveness and worked to move on. The funny thing is you can forget for a while, but some how the memories come full circle. Well the good news is time does wonders and while things have yet to change there, they have changed here for the better. Operating in a state of health and function is amazing, the backbiting and dissent is gone! The insecurity and puffery is not even hinted too here and I have to say it is incredible to work in a ministry environment that is not transparent but actually authentic. People mean what they say and actually act on it, not just saying it. So, while I hate starting over, I have to say it has grown me to levels I never thought I would be capable of and I am thankful for the pain. Do I wish there could be resolve and reconciliation? You bet! Do I think that will ever happen, probably not! In the mean time I will continue to work hard and trust Him with my life being careful not to repeat the same costly mistakes of my past, yet still loving others without expecting anything in return!

Hurt People, Hurt People

I have heard it said that hurt people, hurt people. While I am not going to argue the validity of that statement, I will say that I have been hurt by more prideful people then hurt people. Especially in the past year or so. You see I have come to realize that people who are prideful choose pride over character every time. Having held certain men in high regard and esteem that were supposedly wise and honorable men, I put a great deal of trust in their wisdom and friendship. Truth be told I thought of them as my family! Now on the other side, I see how I was wrong. No, this is not one of those hindsight being 20/20 things. More a realization that truly honorable men admit when they are wrong or make a mistake and most importantly APOLOGIZE! I can't tell you how important it is to own your mistakes, it is! But, that pales in comparison to seeking forgiveness. People will hurt you and you will hurt people, yes you will hurt people. When you do, don't look to defend yourself, whether you were right or wrong is not relevant. What is relevant is the feelings of the hurt person. Want to be a selfless person in life and do the right thing? BE QUICK TO SAY "I AM SORRY". Deep down none of us want to hurt others, so why are we so quick to jump to our own defense? PRIDE, yes that ugly little demon of PRIDE. Proverbs 11:2 says, 2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. In all honesty, it is easy to admit messing up, true humility comes in the wisdom of seeking forgiveness. Recently, I was asked how someone could reconcile with this verse in Mathew 15, 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. This was quite ironic because this person was supposed to be responsible for holding the individual who hurt me accountable. Now as the result of my looking for closure and healing without the reconciliation I so desired, I was being asked the one question I could not answer myself on behalf of an individual who played a role in my own hurt. I would like to say I had a clear cut definitive answer but the truth is, I do not. The struggle is real and has caused a great deal of despair and sadness at times. It has improved for the most part, but only when my thoughts are not reflecting on this. The crazy thing is I know that on their end this there is probably given little to no thought. What have I learned from all this? Be humble and apologize often and quickly. The longer you hold onto to your apology the worse it gets. Don't trust anyone, OK, I am joking, a little, though I would say that hearing someone's heart and knowing their character is important in order to trust someone. I know this too will pass and overtime healing comes, though I will always remain sad at that thought of this all. The truth is, as crazy as it may sound, I am thankful for this pain. Because it has removed the scales of ignorance from my own eyes and allowed me to be much more sensitive and aware, seeing people as worth more than my own PRIDE!