Starting over

There comes a time in most peoples lives when they have to start over for whatever reason. Whether it be a new career, family or being obedient to a call on your life to serve like in the peace core. For most people it seems like that is a once or maybe twice in a life time experience. For me it feels like a routine. I have to ask my self why this is? Is it me, am I a gypsy? What is it that makes me want to go through all this, not to mention drag others with me! The truth is different each time, I have run from things and I have chased after things. This latest move was different though, it was more of an act of obedience or a submission to accept what I knew I could not change and move out of dysfunction. Don't get me wrong we all have a level of dysfunction in our lives, it is seeing it and changing it that was the difference here. The fact is that what I thought I was going to do by getting into ministry and what I actually ended up doing were definitely two different things. You see most people have this image of being compassionate and caring for people in need, giving counsel and helping the community. You know the whole Love God and your neighbor like yourself thing? Well, yeah turns out that couldn't have bern further from the reality I experienced. As sad as it is to say the environment I went into was one of complete dysfunction. I am going to leave it at that though cause it does not good to point fingers unless you are pointing them at yourself. Which I am, you see I can be loyal to a fault and I work to please, my loyalty should be focused on God first and foremost. Then my wife and family second and then my employer. Well this is where I got messed up and moved the order of that, because well the ministry. You know the job working for God, so I figured I was being loyal to Him by serving the ministry over my family, my wife and even my self. Truth is that I was wrong and so was my employer, yes the Church! They were wrong for sustaining an environment with known dysfunction. The old look the other way at what doesn't effect me because it is in my best interest environment. No matter how bad it is, just look the other way and it will go away? Well, even after a change of guard I thought I would see something change for the better. Remember when you said you'd never be like your parent and then you catch yourself saying something they did? Yeah, they old guard has a way of showing its ugly self in the new guard. I wish I knew why that was but alas. That leads me to the end. I had a choice to go out in flames or die off gracefully as best I could. Well I would love to have said I burned it all down, but it is not mine to burn down it is His. So, I did the best I could to navigate a difficult situation with people I truly believed were like family. Well that is where the old look the other way environment came to show me that you really only have one true family. Now I am not jaded, I am hurt yes and I will heal over time. I have apologized and asked for forgiveness and worked to move on. The funny thing is you can forget for a while, but some how the memories come full circle. Well the good news is time does wonders and while things have yet to change there, they have changed here for the better. Operating in a state of health and function is amazing, the backbiting and dissent is gone! The insecurity and puffery is not even hinted too here and I have to say it is incredible to work in a ministry environment that is not transparent but actually authentic. People mean what they say and actually act on it, not just saying it. So, while I hate starting over, I have to say it has grown me to levels I never thought I would be capable of and I am thankful for the pain. Do I wish there could be resolve and reconciliation? You bet! Do I think that will ever happen, probably not! In the mean time I will continue to work hard and trust Him with my life being careful not to repeat the same costly mistakes of my past, yet still loving others without expecting anything in return!