If my goatee could talk

This is my goatee if it could talk it would say...

I know what a iced venti Americano tastes like.
I hate kids pulling on me.
I love the blond who plays with me;-)
I need my dead ends cut.
No hot irons!
People who stare annoy me.
Yes, I am natural no added colors or preservatives.
If you were this long you would get food caught in you too.
Please don't cut me down!
I hate it when he smokes cigars the smell stays with me for weeks.
Short goatees are for bearded women.
It is really soft like a Brillo pad.
Finally, everyone may not say it but I know they all want to touch me.